Another Way

January 29, 2008


The past few weeks have been about adjustments and the search for a routine and “settling in.” We are making steady progress and things are going well. We have so many wonderful resources here locally and that has really been a blessing. One of those resources is the UAB International Adoption Clinic. We were introduced to this facility/program a couple of years ago by our agency. They hold seminars from time to time for families considering international adoption. They exposed us to the possible problems that exist in the adoption realm – some of which can be really scary if you are not prepared. I am so thankful that we were introduced to these folks.

Most “normal” people adopt younger children – kids 5 years and younger. Our little club/cult of adoptive families has busted up that stereotype completely. So there is/was a little bit of a disconnect with the appropriateness of the material that was normally presented, but adjustments are being made to meet the current needs.

One of the things that they do is to perform an initial health and mental screening for the children. We took Dasha for her first appointment a week ago and they ran a battery of tests – both physical and mental. They also provide therapy services. Now unfortunately, I was unable to be a part of this initial screening. However, Gina was told that we were doing “all the right things.” Obviously, this includes taking on some communist traits in our little household. We’ve really clamped down on almost everything that a kid could enjoy here. Many restrictions now exist in order to control the environment.

To be honest with you, I am the one struggling to connect (or to be connected to). I have the disadvantage (although viewed as a luxury by Gina) of working M-F. I think there is a misunderstanding among Ukrainian females about the role of a man. I think this may be a cultural thing. I know that I’m not the only dude around here that has struggled with it. Who knows - it may be an emotional thing particular to our daughter. But it is worth fighting through.

Gina went back for the second visit with the therapist this week. She made the therapist aware of the issues that we/I am experiencing. Now I realized that Dasha really hasn’t had a man to deal with in her life. I know we’re weird (at least from the female perspective). I know we smell different and act different. My role in this family is “leader.” All of the leaders that she has known were women and Gina is doing her fair share, but she always defers to me as the head of the household – not in a quivering kind of way – but in a respectful way.

So anyway, this therapist recognizes these same things and made mention of them. Her analogy was something about a wheat field with a well-worn path through it. Why wheat? Don’t know. Suppose it could be any old field. Dasha is the one walking this path everyday. She hasn’t really veered off the path because until now, there hasn’t been a reason for any other path. Now here we show up and we want to take her down so many other paths and expose her to so many other things – enriching things – things to help develop and grow her mind and body and soul.

How can one relate to such a quandary? Well, I’ll tell you what God showed me today. I had to travel up to my hometown today for a little breakfast event. If you know anything about NW Alabama, you are aware of the ongoing construction of this little road referred to as Corridor “X.” This is a freeway from Memphis to Birmingham – soon to be deemed Interstate 22. This project has been underway for 25 years. Mississippi had their part finished about 10 years ago. Alabama’s part has been under construction for a while. Granted our portion is a little more complicated, not mention expensive, due to topographical challenges. There in only five miles remaining to be constructed in Alabama. Shortly before Thanksgiving last year a major portion was opened from just outside of Birmingham all the way to Memphis.

As a civil engineer, I have tracked its progress closely. I’ve twisted and rearranged my routes to be able to travel on remote parts of this road as it has opened just to see what it looked like. I’m a looser and I know it! But major road construction like this is so rare.

So with this new portion opened our route to Jasper has changed. We head up Interstate 65 past malfunction junction and then wind around through some back roads to put on at the very end of the road. It is another way. It is obviously very new. Grass is still coming up, the pavement is still black and the markings and signs are still bright and shiny. It is a truly beautiful stretch of road, but it is different than the way we once went.

The old way was so familiar. I think I can drive it in my sleep. With the new road now in service, the commercial traffic on the old road has decreased dramatically. Which means that there is really no net time savings by taking the new way, but it is new. There are advantages and disadvantages to both ways, but upon the ultimate completion of the last five miles, the new way will be by far the best way.

As you can probably imagine, this is what I was thinking of as I drove up there. My job is to teach Dasha another way - a new way to live; a new way to view men; a new way to love. This is no easy task, but likewise the new way is by far the best way.

Please pray for us and for our sanity as we continue on this journey. We need to be aware of teachable moments and also have the guts to be disciplinarians – not easy to balance especially not knowing the full history of our daughter. Whew! We’re nuts, but you know, what else were we going to do? Oh, what a privilege it is to be called to this mission!

The Graces